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"A beautiful and brilliant reexamination of love and its perils."―Barbara Fisher, Boston Globe
Common wisdom has it that love is fragile, but leading psychoanalyst Stephen A. Mitchell argues that romance doesn't actually diminish in long-term relationships―it becomes increasingly dangerous. What we regard as the transience of love is really risk management. Mitchell shows that love can endure, if only we become aware of our self-destructive efforts to protect ourselves from its risks. "Those who read this book will love more wisely because of it."―Andrew Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon "[A] work on romance that is rich and multi-layered."―Publishers Weekly "Cheerful, open, and humane―you'd definitely have wanted him as your analyst."―Judith Shulevitz, The New York Times Book Review "[T]houghtful, compassionate, and profoundly optimistic."―JoAnn Gutin, Salon.com- Sales Rank: #78110 in Books
- Published on: 2003-02-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.30" h x .60" w x 5.50" l, .58 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
Amazon.com Review
To delve into the subject of love with relational psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell is to race headfirst into an enormous haystack with a kid who's intent on finding not one, but probably a dozen, needles. In Can Love Last? Mitchell's boyish curiosity and profound intelligence virtually set fire to the subject, both enlightening and challenging his readers. Mitchell's premise is that romance, in its many forms, is key to a life worth living.
Why, then, does the sizzle so often fizzle, especially in committed relationships? More importantly, what forces compel humans to actively douse romantic flames in favor of more "stable" love? Mitchell's probings of these and other questions take him on a fascinating journey through times and topics historical as well as contemporary. From Plato to Freud, Homer to Kris Kristofferson, Mitchell weaves history, philosophy, literature, and (of course) psychology into a surprisingly sensible pattern. Yes, a few loud threads stand out, including his well-supported theory that "stable" love is actually much riskier than romance. But over all, differing theories on love and desire, stability and adventure, or surrender and control find more parallels than crossroads under Mitchell's tender care, making this book an intellectual gift to the masses. --Liane Thomas
From Publishers Weekly
When New York University professor and popular psychoanalysis theorist Mitchell died in December 2000, he left behind a robust body of work that made Freudian theories accessible to all. It's not surprising, then, that this postmortem work should have broad appeal. A combination of clinical case studies, psychoanalytical thought and practical advice, Mitchell's riff on the fragility and necessity of romantic love is written with warmth and intelligence. He manages to simplify some of Freud's most complex theories and give them new significance for those who wonder why love is often a battlefield. Real-life examples, taken from his practice, are an invaluable addition. In a section on guilt, for example, he briefly describes how Freud considered the emotion to be "the linchpin of our ascent from the bestial to the civilized," then brings in the work of Viennese-born analyst Melanie Klein and concludes with the story of "Will," whose tendency toward feeling guilty created havoc with his romantic relationships. By mixing the case study method, so common in self-help books, with scholarly insight, Mitchell creates a work on romance that is rich and multilayered, giving the individual stories more weight and the intellectual commentary more humanity. In his conclusion, Mitchell writes like a loving father penning a wedding day message to his child, gently advising that romance isn't about "a labored struggle to contrive novelty," but instead about tolerance and understanding. It's common advice, but given the rest of the work's depth, humor and rigor, these familiar words take on new, and much welcomed, meaning. (Feb. 14)Forecast: Mitchell was always adept at user-friendly writing, and this work follows in that tradition. Can Love Last? would do well on its own merit, and the Valentine's Day pub date should push sales further.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
This rather dry academic treatise on romantic love was written by a well-regarded clinician and supervising analyst at the William Alanson White Institute. Mitchell, who died in 2000, was the author of several books including Freud and Beyond, which he wrote with his wife Margaret Black. Popular culture would have us believe that the combination of romance and true lasting love is an oxymoron. Mitchell examines the tension between the ideas of love and romance, and shows how sexuality, illusion, aggression, guilt, control, and commitment interact to contribute to this tension. He also describes the different risks involved in both stable and new love. While drawing heavily on Freud, he examines romance and love from many different psychoanalytic viewpoints. Cases from his practice are described to illustrate his discussion. The scenario of the cocktail party toward the end of the book is especially clear in conveying different theories of consciousness. Recommended for academic and large public libraries. Margaret Cardwell, Christian Brothers Univ. Lib., Memphis
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
The best book I have ever read on Love
By Doly Mallet Flores
The best book I have ever read on Love. This is not bulls*** about "rules", or "things you have to do", neither is "self-help" or "how to fix yourself". Stephen Mitchell was one of the most important relational psychoanalysts, and he made the most profund, deep, serious analysis on how our unconscious works when we fall in love. This book is not hopeful, it doesn't present a typical "happy ending", it is realistic. It is shocking, but so truthful, you will be greateful and more prepared for your relationships.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Not a rhetorical question any more
By Frank Selden
Can Love Last is a question lovers often ask. At first I thought the book jumped around a lot. It doesn't. Instead, Mitchell looks at the question from many angles, like holding a diamond up to the light and turning it to examine the quality through multiple facets. He mixes true character stories with practical wisdom. Can Love Last? is not just a rhetorical question or a theme for easy listening ballads. Sometimes I bring past memories and judgments of previous relationships into my current amazing relationship. This book helped me see how I can let go of my stories and focus on what is important for this relationship to last as I desire.
95 of 96 people found the following review helpful.
Not fade away
By frumiousb
One of the stressors of my life, and I suspect of many other people's lives is the nagging feeling that somehow we are approaching love wrongly. On the one hand, we want to experience it and we want to believe that the experience is real. On the other hand, our own experience and the experience of others around us inclines us to feel as though it is a little bit foolish past the age of 16 to believe *too* much in the idea of enduring passion.
Does passion always fade? Do we need to choose relationships at the base of the pyramid of needs-- passionless but sustaining, predictable but safe? Can we ever sustain that passion that we feel at the beginning of a relationship?
What Mitchell says (with quiet authority that makes me believe him) is that yes, we can, if we are brave enough to really want that to happen. What he argues is that passion, while desirable, is ultimately quite threatening and that it takes both personal mastery and courage to be willing to let it into your life. Mitchell asserts that it is not romance which is the illusion, it is safety which is the illusion. Romance is the thing which brings the reality of the world to us-- with all its danger and complexity. Safety is a veil which we throw over others potentially close to us to keep them from coming close enough to hurt.
Mitchell created a readable book which should appeal to professionals in the field as well as ordinary folk looking for some answers to complicated problems. He builds his arguments carefully using a combination of prior work and original thinking derived from his practice and patients.
Very impressive, thought provoking, and blessedly free from overly complicated language.
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